|
1. |
|
|
|
|
I met a girl who looked like Eleanor Bron
With a Steely Dan T-shirt on
she was the dairy queen of W1
a hundred metres not a marathon
I met a Kim who thought that she was wild
She made me laugh because she never smiled
in twenty minutes she had me beguiled
Another siren with a sulky style
And what she has
I’ll never get
Because I’ve not
stopped dreaming yet
And I recall with fond regret
We’re only human
What’s the worst that could happen?
You could say it was a college crush
And we never really stayed in touch
I like to think I didn’t miss her much
Like folded faces in a royal flush
And what she has
I’ll never get
Because I’ve not
stopped dreaming yet
And I recall with fond regret
We’re only human
What’s the worst that could happen?
The painted nails of an eagle
A pair of owls by her side
Blindfold and regal
Her justice cannot be denied
|
|
2. |
|
|
|
|
I tried to write a song to tell you how I feel
But all my rhymes went wrong, in couplets that reveal
Classical references are my Achilles heel
If you’re trying to sweet talk me, you’d better polish your poetry
If you serve me with platitudes, my attitude will be combative
I can be garbled and gormless - flustered, flummoxed and formless
I’m only a serf, and you’re an aristocrat
You put the poetry in me, now you just want to bin me
You can call me a hack - I wouldn’t put it like that
All of my syllables overstressed, I’ve got emotions I can’t express
Hold your tongue, here’s a tip for you; your lips might kiss what your mouth can’t speak to, right now...
Though I come across as pedantic I’m a hopeful romantic
I like a popular song even when it’s old hat
When you’re singing my praises with pedestrian phrases
I got one caveat; I wouldn’t put it like that
You don’t have to speak French or ancient Greek.
I know what you mean, I can tell you’re keen
Songs are for the birds, in Aristophanes’ words.
I lack artistry, dropped out of Varsity
|
|
3. |
|
|
|
|
He spent a year or two with a fire in his head
And caught a fish alive with a berry on a thread
When she called his name and ran into the wood
Whatever’s up her sleeve he knows it’s something good
To see her glimmering with blossom in her hair
In another half an hour he knows she will be there
The patience of the optimist with an enigmatic smile
Will hear the whistle blow and walk her down the aisle
The season will turn and every flower call to the bees
Keep walking for hours and sleep in the shade beneath the trees
And he will dream before the time and times are done
Of the silver moon and golden apples of the sun
|
|
4. |
|
|
|
|
Since I woke up here
you have disappeared
I haven’t seen a soul about.
These streets are paved with fear
Everything’s wrong, nothing is right,
and it seems I live in a town called Gone
with a population of one and that’s me
Everything’s changed, nothing’s the same,
I’m living in a place where I don’t belong
There’s no road out, I can’t escape
and relocate to the place my heart calls home
This house is not my friend, on that I can depend
The walls keep closing in at night, those stairs I daren’t descend
The clocks say seven to midnight,
I’ve forgotten what daylight looks like
What have I done to deserve this?
I have a map but it makes no sense at all
And the bus station’s empty, how can I get away?
Everything’s wrong, nothing is right,
and it seems I live in a town called Gone
with a population of one and that’s me
Everything’s changed, nothing’s the same,
I’m living in a place where I don’t belong
There’s no road out, I can’t escape
and relocate to the place my heart calls home
I just wanna go home
|
|
5. |
|
|
|
|
DHL
Herbal smell
Medicated drivers on the road
21st century opioid overload
DUI
We’re so high
The city planner’s dream goes up in smoke
We’re only normal blokes
In every other van
Sits another man
Adding to the jam
On temazepam
Scrolling on his phone
Slowly getting stoned
Low emission zone
We ride, tonight we’re driving blind
We’re fried, we leave the world behind
Shit tattoos
Special brew
Watch out there’s a hipster at the wheel
Half a ton of steel
will get you up to speed
on hydroponic weed.
They pay you chickenfeed
But you’ve got all you need
Didn’t read the signs
Never saw the lines
Chase me for the fines
We ride, tonight we’re driving blind
We’re fried, we leave the world behind
We ride, tonight we’re driving blind
Cross-eyed, out of our tiny minds
|
|
6. |
|
|
|
|
Someone’s home no lights are on,
Are you sleeping Brother John?
I have a name that you won’t spell,
all quiet ‘til you ring the bell
He’ll take your peace without a fight,
a silent thief who came at night
What’s mine is yours and yours is mine,
until he hits you one more time
And you’re free again, thanks to me again
You can fly away, no-one dies today
Fix my sights on a northern star, and navigate to where you are
And try to break loving grip, a saviour with a wrinkled lip
You blow like blossom through the trees, a sunlit blizzard on the breeze
Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the most vacant of them all?
He ran away to find the truth, surrounded by the hopes of youth
For ninety years in just one night, the space expanded into flight
Like toast the poison’s golden brown, and concrete boots will weigh him down
Behind a door without a lock, the oily waters of the dock
Sonnez les Matines
Sonnez les Matines
Sonnez les Matines
Sonnez les Matines
|
|
7. |
|
|
|
|
Pipistrelle that’s the one I love so well, Daddy please don’t ever tell, when I grow up I want to be a...
Pipistrelle, little girl I know so well,
black pyjamas raising hell,
flitting round the garden at midnight
Go to bed, Daddy doesn’t sleep so well,
doesn’t like the decibels
while you chase your friends in the moonlight
I know you love them, no you can’t keep them
they don’t belong, don’t belong to anyone
Yes I know they eat bugs,
doesn’t mean to say that you have to also,
spit that one out now
Why do you love them?
Yes I know they’re furry, they fly around and make no sound
they’re fast asleep throughout the day
Come back to bed now,
or I’ll be dead at work in the morning,
while you’re still snoring
This fixation breeds frustration when your Dad is trying to sleep
Little girls like you should be in bed not roaming round the garden
Pipistrelle that’s the one I love so well,
Daddy please don’t ever tell, when I grow up I want to be a...
THERE IT GOES AGAIN!
Pipistrelle, little girl I know so well, black pyjamas raising hell,
flitting round the garden at midnight
Go to bed, Daddy doesn’t sleep so well,
doesn’t like the decibels
while you chase your friends in the moonlight
Come now, get back up those stairs now, forget about the prayers now, I know the bats are out but we both need to sleep
“But Daaaad.....”
"BED!”
|
|
8. |
|
|
|
|
In the dead of night, lights are burning bright, at the shop
In the midnight hour, accumulating power, we don’t stop
We’re talking in your sleep
While you’re counting sheep
We’ll take you deeper
If you join the team
You get to live the dream,
be a persuader
When the door is locked and the way is blocked we come through
You can hide away, you can dream all day, we’ll get to you.
We take the useless time
In the sleeping mind
Of the consumer.
We’re creating memes
And infiltrating dreams -
We’re the persuaders
If you’ve got what it takes
They’ll take you on
If you can stay awake
From dusk till dawn
effectiveness is guaranteed
We understand your hidden need.
If you’ve got the will, you’ll be fulfilled night after night
If you’ve got the skills to sell a thrill, you’ll do alright.
We’ve got the magic beans
We’ll steal the soft machine
We’re space invaders.
It’s legal and true
It could be perfect if you
Join the persuaders
Dreaming, monetise dreaming
It’s a dream job!
|
|
9. |
|
|
|
|
I was a gardener who didn’t let the garden grow
Assumptions harden when you cultivate the status quo
Dreams fade when the sun rises,
See the flowers as they turn their heads to watch you go by
Willows whiten and the aspens tremble in delight
Morning brightens and the agitated birds take flight
Mr Newton was wrong, clearly,
this attraction is stronger than the gravity that captured me.
You made me see
I am a planet that’s drawn towards your universe,
look out for meteors intent on changing better for worse
Lost in the dark, with the quarks and quasars, which could come first
Under the sun, we’re all dust that’s come from the stars in the cosmos, you are my atmosphere
Like a lighthouse sends a beam into the stormy night
Sick of shadows, I responded to your guiding light
Dark matter and string theory, My philosophy was probably impractical
My calculations couldn’t clarify the things I saw,
My foundations were diminished by a fatal flaw
This feeling defies reason,
this finding implies I’m just a particle conducted by a natural law
I am a comet that trails around your universe,
a shape in the night, flying fast as light and speeding to earth
Venus and Mars and a million stars were there at your birth
Under the sky, you and I were made from dust of the cosmos,
you are my atmosphere
I am an atom, a tiny speck in your universe,
part of the pattern, since Eve and Adam, better or worse
A poet who dreamed of a cosmic scheme, and wrote it in verse
Under the sky, you and I were made from dust of the cosmos,
you are my atmosphere
|
|
10. |
|
|
|
|
Keep your junk out of my inbox
Keep your spam out of my grill
Take your fingers from the till
I’ve got beans to spill and
you make me ill, so take a pill
You’re like the scratches on my records
You’re like an insect in the ear
Every month feels like a year.
And you interfere
So, grab your gear and disappear.
Why don’t you leave me alone?
Don’t ring my door bell and don’t call my phone
Ladybird fly away home
Your house is on fire and your children are gone.
Why don’t you leave me alone?
Don’t ring my door bell and don’t call my phone
Ladybird fly away home
Your house is on fire and your children are gone.
Poor little Johnny lies under a stone
|
|
11. |
|
|
|
|
I remember where the flowers grew
I miss the garden where I first saw you
I remember where the cabin stood -
In the clearing of the ancient wood.
Before the fall there was an empty page
A can of beans and a living wage
I can recall when you shook my hand,
And said we had to leave the promised land
You and me
Always getting closer
You and me
I can’t forget the rainy afternoons
We spent together in the Wetherspoons.
The most alive that we had ever felt -
A Brexit bonus and a chicken melt.
How far will you go when you look for love?
You’re getting closer, every path you roam.
The soil below and the stars above
Close a circle and return you home
Red skies in the morning, meat pies in the evening
I’d paint a picture but I haven’t got the skill
No-one knows where it’s leading
And your hairline’s receding
We keep on living but it’s just more time to kill.
You and me
Always getting closer
You and me
We’re getting closer every day
|
|
12. |
|
|
|
|
Keep your friends at a distance, Your enemies near
With every expectation of a glittering career
Stagger down the cellblock, spitting out teeth
If there’s any kind of justice I will surely be released
She met him on a Monday. Her heart stopped still
Still dreaming of the one day right until she’d had her fill
Sweating on a tube train, stopped in the dark
With every little victory you’re sure to make your mark
It’s been a long time since they took the key, that locked away my dignity
Three more years, three more years, three more years and I’m out of here
I’m sorry, we’re not available right now
I’m sorry, your application’s disallowed
I’m sorry, but you’ll have to start again.
How worried, on a scale from one to ten?
Sweet dreams baby, to a drowning girl
There’s just one little problem that I hope you will uncurl
He’s got a reputation, as a gentleman thief
Smashing up the kitchen with a rose between his teeth
Three more years, three more years, three more years and I’m out of here
|
released January 18, 2024
DRAMATIS PERSONAE. The identities revealed!
The Gentlemen Thieves – Emperor Penguin
-The Cracksman: Neil Christie (vocals, guitar, keyboards)
-The German: J.T. (vocals, bass, guitar, keyboards)
-Stiletto: Nigel Winfield (vocals, guitar, bass, keyboards)
-Springheel the Illusionist: Richard Wilson (drums)
Emperor Penguin accept responsibility for planning
and executing the entire HORRID affair.
Their appalling accomplices:
Production and engineering by Jamie McEvoy at Baltic
Studios, Dalston.
Assistance from James Bennett at Swanyard
Music, Retford on tracks 2, 4, 7 and 9.
Lisa Mychols – vocal on You Are My Atmosphere,
I Wouldn’t Put It Like That and Pipistrelle.
Charlotte Guy – vocal on Pipistrelle.